Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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