I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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