i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
