Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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