You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
