Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
