she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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