It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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