Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
