Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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