I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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