I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
