I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
