i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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