I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
