Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
