How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Randomize
