; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
