SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
