Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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