I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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