I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
