i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
