I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
