He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
