I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
