remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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