She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
