Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
