take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
