I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
