A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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