Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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