saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
