my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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