worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
