girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
