I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
