I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
