i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
