Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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