She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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