while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
