you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
