All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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