I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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