Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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