we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
