I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
