How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
